


“Why I really, really, really love my daddies”, a mission report by Winter

by Garotte8Goodnight



Series: Two Assholes and a Murdertoddler [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Feminisation, HYDRA Trash Party, M/M, blow job mention, otherwise sex free, usual warnings apply
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-04
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-07-29 09:43:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7679554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Garotte8Goodnight/pseuds/Garotte8Goodnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A report is required on the Assets upkeep when Rumlow and Rollins make a special requisition (read: a custody plea). The Asset tries to make it as accurate as possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	“Why I really, really, really love my daddies”, a mission report by Winter

**Author's Note:**

> I have literally no excuse for this. Blatant crack fic, please do not take seriously. Based on an RP with Neutralchaos915 after I voiced my desire to fill this prompt: 
> 
> https://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1634.html?thread=4501858#cmt4501858
> 
> Anyone who has ever seen an Army requisition form may get a giggle out of this mess. This should probably be tagged as misuse of Army administration forms.

\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
**Request for permanent asset requisition by** : Agent Rumlow, Commander, Agent Rollins, Executive Officer.  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
**Name of Requisitioning Agency if different from ‘ship to’ address** : S.H.I.E.L.D, S.T.R.I.K.E ALPHA  
\--/--  
**Justification for special requisition** : He likes us best.  
\--/--  
**Supporting Documentation** : Field report by requisitioned asset concerning historic maintenance and care records whilst in the custody of Agents Rumlow and Rollins. See attached.  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
...  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
**Attachment 1** : Field Report  
**Title** : Why I really, really, really love my daddies  
**Agent** : Winter Soldier  
**Serial** : 32557038  
\--/--

 **Item** **1** \- **Maintenance**

My daddies are very careful at making sure I can function effectively in the field. Sometimes they even have better ideas than the Tech team - like how to keep my hair out of my face. But sometimes it makes them argue because they can never agree on anything _ever_.

Like last week Daddy Jack was doing my hair, and he bought me some very pretty bows (which made me happy, because before my daddies no one ever bought me anything) but then Daddy Brock said;

" _Jack we are not putting bows in his hair, that's just gay."_

I didn't understand, because I didn't realise that there was causation between wearing ribbons in your hair and homosexual urges, but then Daddy Jack rolled his eyes at the Commander and made a very good point that;

" _Firstly, I had my dick in both of you last night, I think we are all pretty gay at this point.”_

Which I have to agree with - wearing ribbons in one's hair might not have causation with homosexual urges, but I'm pretty sure asking to suck Daddy Jacks dick does.

And besides, he then said to the Commander;

“ _And secondly, sparkly barrettes aren't?"_

And Daddy Brock got all indignant and said that " _they're *functional*!_ ”

This is very silly because the bows Daddy Jack bought me are no less functional, and also, I really don't understand how Daddy Brock thought that the bows might cause more homosexual urges than barrettes. Especially not when, as Daddy Jack pointed out, _"they have butterflies on them and are caked in glitter."_

I think my Daddies are both silly, and that they only argue over these things because they both secretly want me to like their choice best. Or maybe it's because they're just showing off to each other. Murphy says that's what people do when they like each other. This would make sense because after that Daddy Brock said;

" _Because then they're easier to find if they fall out! I hate it when you bring some chick home and you're still finding hair grips two weeks later like you fucked a porcupine."_

Daddy Jack tried not to laugh and carried on braiding my hair with the bows and said " _Whatever helps you sleep at night, sweetheart_.”

The Commander most definitely was just showing off, and Daddy Jack didn't even bother to comment on the " _bringing home a chick_ " thing, because we all know that Daddy Brock hasn't done that in a very, very long time, and that if he did Daddy Jack wouldn't talk to him for at least a month. Which would mean no food, because the Commander cannot cook, and food is very important to him.

Daddy Brock being silly and pretending that he doesn't love my other Daddy annoyed me because he was wasting valuable time that could have been spent painting my nails with the sparkly colours. If I was allowed to talk, I would have definitely pointed out to him that " _they ain't gonna paint themselves_." But I'm not, so I had to sit quietly and hope that Daddy Jack remembered to bring the glittery purple colour because that's my favourite.

I think Daddy Jack thought the Commander was being silly too, because while I glared at him Daddy Jack said;

" _Now shut up and help me make our little girl into a pretty princess_.”

Daddy Jack is the best. He also remembered the purple sparkly colour so that makes him even more the best. He always remembers all of my favourites; the pretty ballet shoes, the blue ribbons that are the same colour as the sky in summer. My name is Winter but I like the summer too - especially when the sun is warm on my face. Jack is the best Daddy.

Daddy Brock is ok... but he forgets that I can't wear heels because how am I supposed to run in them? Plus he ALWAYS brings the wrong colour of lipstick, and he also brushes my hair too roughly.

I don't want the Commander to feel left out though, and he is sometimes the best Daddy. Like when I have a nightmare. Daddy Jack is grumpy if I wake him up in the night, but Daddy Brock is always grumpy and he says that makes the monsters afraid of him. Plus the Commander will always cuddle with me, even if it's in the middle of the night, until I can go back to sleep - and if he tells me my favourite story about the princess and the dragon he always does the dragons growly voice *just* right.

Also if I start to feel cold he brings out the fluffiest, most warmest blanket (it's sky blue, my favourite colour) that he bought just for me, and wraps me up tightly. I cannot perform efficiently in the field if I don't get sufficient sleep, so this is a vital part of my maintenance. Nobody remembered that before my daddies though.

\--/--

**Item 2 - Competency of Care**

Both of my daddies are very consistent in the quality of care they provide, but sometimes when Daddy Jack goes away on a mission without me or the Commander, I have to be the grown up one and give Daddy Brock cuddles. Otherwise he drinks the entire bottle of the nearest available liquor, and then Daddy Jack is angry when he comes back.

I hate it when Daddy Jack gets angry. He yells and it hurts my head and Daddy Brock cries. So I don't mind being the grown-up sometimes. The Commander always insists that he isn't crying - he says that sometimes his eyes leak because he has allergies, but Daddy Jack never believes him. He told me that's because he's seen his med reports.

I don't believe him either, but I nod and pretend because I don't want my Daddy to feel bad about crying. It's a good thing he doesn't really have allergies though; I really like flowers and I would be sad if we can't have them anymore because they made Daddy poorly. I really, really don't like the idea of allergies making people sick.. I don't know why it bothers me so much but my head hurts if I try to think too much about it. (Plus if I ask questions about the things that make my head hurt my daddies get mad at me, so I don't do that anymore.)

I get extra worried about Daddy Brock when he really is sick though; like when he got a cold during a six week mission in Russian Siberia in '03. I spent the entirety of the mission following him around with tissues and hot chocolate that Daddy Jack kindly provided me with. He was chuckling to himself a lot and always seemed to be taking pictures. I *love* having my picture taken.

I don't understand why Daddy Brock is scowling for all those pictures though. Although it's hard to see his face underneath the giant knitted scarf Murphy helped me make for him. We kept running out of yarn so it's in a *few* different colours. I especially love the sparkly yarn - it makes daddy's eyes look pretty. Daddy Jack must think so too because he always makes Daddy Brock wear it when it's cold out.

Daddy Jack always says Daddy Brock is a princess too, but I don't understand why Daddy Brock doesn't like sparkly clips in his hair if he's a princess, because surely all princesses like to look pretty. Like a few weeks ago when Daddy Jack said it was okay, and we waited for the Commander to fall asleep and then put a pretty headband with a bow into his hair and some sparkly hair grips. And Daddy Brock didn't notice!!!

But then we got an emergency mission alert, and Daddy Brock jumped up and ran to get suited up but he was still all prettied up too. And he didn't notice until the target started laughing really, really hard because the rest of the team were too scared of him to say anything.

I think he was really, really angry because he started growling a little bit but it wasn't my fault because Daddy Jack said we could, so he didn't get mad at me. He did tell my other Daddy to sleep on the couch for a week though, but then Daddy Jack said;

“ _I’m not fucking up my back, because you're being bitchy.”_

I think it was a really bad decision on the Commander's part though - sometimes my daddies don't think consequences through too well. By the third day of refusing him sex Daddy Brock was even more grumpy than usual - plus he was super stressed, and I think he might have forgotten why he sexiled him in the first place because at breakfast he said;

“ _Jack, babe, please just come suck my dick.”_

But then Daddy Jack said;

 _"Nah, Princess. You were the one who said no sex for at least a week. What kind of man would I be if I didn't respect your wishes?_ "

He had a really, really big grin on his face, and the Commander was just stuttering all indignantly saying;

_“I didn't mean that! Who said that? Wasn't me!"_

It's good that one of my daddies has common sense and thinks of things like evidence collection, because Daddy Jack took his phone out of his pocket and pressed a button and a recording said;

" _Well, if you're not going to sleep on the couch.... T-then, NO SEX FOR AT LEAST A WEEK!"_

I think Daddy Jack won that argument though because then he undid his belt and said;

" _Besides, I'm doing just fine by myself so far."_

I'm glad my daddies set consistent boundaries for each other's behavior.

\--/--

**Item 3 - Adherence to Dietary Regulations**

I have to drink disgusting protein shakes instead of eating real food, but my daddies don't want me to miss out on things they deem ‘culturally important’. So sometimes we go look at different foods people eat in other places and once we made a massive jelly and the Commander and me threw it at my other Daddy instead of eating it. Then we all three it and we all got very messy. We had a BBQ in the summer - the charcoal and woodchips smelled really, really good.

Daddy Jack has to be very cautious about dietary regulations; it's a shame that he's mostly concerned about his and the Commanders and not mine though. He says he ‘exercises extreme caution at all times’ and I don't blame him. When we had the BBQ Daddy Brock said that; " _as the man of the house I shall be in charge of the grill.”_

But Daddy Jack said that there was no way on earth he was “ _going to let Brock anywhere near [His] grill.”_

I don't blame him really, as he pointed out to Daddy Brock;

" _One, you could burn water, and you live off Hot Pockets when I'm not around, and two, I'm from New Zealand."_

He has very good logic and I agree that the Commander shouldn't be allowed near any cooking equipment ever. Daddy Brock even tried to protest and said;

" _Okay fair. But why is Winter allowed to use the grill?_ "

I was going to get angry, because I'm much better at cooking than him even if I can't eat the food, but Daddy knew exactly the right thing to say and he told him;

" _Because he has a metal arm. Things better than a tong, least he's not about to drop it in the coals."_

The Commander started whining then about how " _you won't even let me make the sides though"_ and " _there is a sign in kitchen that says ‘no Brock's allowed.'”_

Daddy Jack didn't even have to say anything - he just glared at the Commander really hard and he looked real sad. I felt a little bit bad for him when he said;

" _Salad doesn't require cooking anything! I just cut things for that" and "I'm good at cutting things!”_

Because I would have to agree with him about that, Daddy Brock is very good at knives. Not as good as me though. It's a shame that he has never worked out what is and isn't supposed to go in a salad. Even I know that.

My daddies started arguing about that; Daddy Jack said;

" _I have seen you fuck up a salad... I'm still not sure how you managed it.”_

And the the Commander was all;

" _Listen, the recipe said to put bacon in it. How was I supposed to know they meant bacon bits and not a side of bacon!? Man needs his meat!"_

And Daddy Jack got really angry and shouted:

" _IT WAS RAW!_ "

I was just happily basting and making sure nothing burned while they were arguing, because someone had to be the responsible one and take care of their nutrition intakes.

Daddy Brock carried on arguing and said;

" _The packet said it was smoked!!!! YOU TOLD ME SMOKED THINGS WERE COOKED!!"_

I thought at that point Daddy Jack might just explode, or start bashing his own head into a wall, and then he said to the Commander:

" _Look.. If I say you can be charge of the drinks, will that make you happy?"_

And Daddy Brock got really excited and said:

" _Yes! Alcohol! I know alcohol!! I'm good at that!!"_

Then we watched him skip off, and I was really proud of him because it's the most princess like he has ever behaved, and I wondered if maybe I should go to supervise while Daddy Jack looked after the grill.

I probably should have done because he just brought back bottles of whiskey with straws in.

I added little cocktail umbrellas to make them pretty.

Then Daddy Jack started waving his hand at the sky and asking the clouds ‘ _why he puts up with it all?’_ But then he looked at us holding our pretty bottles, and I think he maybe remembered why.

Just in case Daddy Brock reminded him again after drinking half the bottle. Slightly tipsy and on his knees underneath the patio table

I hope Daddy Brock never learns to cook - he gets food made for him while he watches and gets drunk, and all he has to do in payment is suck the dick he was gonna suck anyway.

It seems like a pretty good deal to me.

\--/--

 **Summary** : I love my daddies lots and lots, so please let me live with them forever and ever so we can play princesses and listen to music in the car that makes Daddy Jack laugh and Daddy Brock cry. I especially liked the time when I put Taylor Swift’s album on repeat when we had to drive to Montreal for a mission, and Daddy Jack told Daddy Brock he wasn't allowed to jump from a moving vehicle.

(Also Daddy Brock said they'll take me to Disneyland after our next mission if I don't have to go back in the icebox, and I want to see Sleeping Beauty, not be a sleeping beauty. Even though my daddies say I am really beautiful.

I agree with them.)

\--/--  
**Signed** : Winter  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
...  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/  
**Special Requisition Status** : Approved  
**Signed** : Alexander Pierce  
\--/--  
**Notes** : If requisitioned Asset is not returned when needed in full working condition, Agents Rumlow and Rollins will be held personally responsible. Access privileges will be immediately revoked, and any future requisition requests will be immediately denied with no option for appeal.  
\--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/--/


End file.
